she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
