just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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