I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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