fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
