So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
