Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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