3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
