i wish there were pregnant emoticons
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
