you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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