just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i jhust puked up my retainher.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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