oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize