Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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