i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
