Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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