I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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