If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
