so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
