just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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