my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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