He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
