I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
