wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
