I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
