i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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