I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
