I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
