so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
