dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
