The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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