Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
