just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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