GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
