My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need moral support for this bender
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
