Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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