She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
