Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
