I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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