i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
