I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
