I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you had me at cake vodka
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
