he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
