Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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