You just made me feel so damn special
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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