i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize