I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
