Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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