Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
