im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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