It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
