Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
