That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
