new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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