Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I can tuck mytits in my pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
