Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
