the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
