You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
