You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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