My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
