i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
