I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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