last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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