It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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