make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
