I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
